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| This story is not about actual Reba McEntire |
No. Really. I'm not bullshitting you. Why won't anyone believe me?
I had gone out with this woman, who we shall refer to as Reba McEntire for the remainder of this tale, a couple of times. The most recent of said dates ended with a 2 hour make out session on various forms of public seating across the city. No, she was not at all intoxicated. No, she had obvious mental imbalance. Yes, I leaned my erection against her.
I try my very best to never assume anyone wants to see or touch me naked, but as you can see, all signs were pointing to Reba McEntire and I getting into a serious crotch lock at the end of our next date. In the event my hypothesis proved correct, I engaged in some intimate grooming and reviewed a medical diagram of a vagina to refresh my memory prior to meeting her for dinner.
I managed to make it through dinner and a walk without blurting out anything that might cause a detour from the path to intercourse that we were heading down. This is actually physically taxing for me to accomplish, but once Reba McEntire suggested we make our way to her studio apartment in Hell's Kitchen, I found myself completely rejuvenated and 82% erect.
If I had to choose a word to describe Reba McEntire's apartment, I would choose "quaint". The reason for this is that I like the way my mouth moves when I say "quaint." I really have no recollection of what her apartment looked like because as soon as the door shut I lifted Reba McEntire up by her ass and blindly stumbled towards what I hoped was her bed I had seen in the corner under a window.
We rolled around for a while with our hands and mouths roaming all over the place before the main event began. I had positioned myself on top of her in the traditional manner, and right as I was about to fuck Reba McEntire, she said the following to me:
"Wait. I have to tell you. I'm very...small."
I said, "I know, I was able to carry you over to the bed with no problem," but she informed me this is not what she meant. What Reba McEntire was referring to was her tiny vagina.
You might think at this moment I would have yelled something like, "Really? Awesome!" I restrained any such impulses however, and told her I didn't think it would be a problem which was true. Though if you're naked and underneath me I'd believe it if you told me that the next person in line to be pope is RZA. I've never had any difficulty squeezing my dick into anything though apart from the time I tried to put it through the hole in a DVD, so I assumed things would be fine. As usual, my assumption was incorrect.
I kissed Reba McEntire and began positioning myself to line up for the initial thrust. This was taking an excessive amount of time (I looked at that diagram beforehand!) which lead to me venturing further south than I would on this, our first time doin it.
"Which one are you going for exactly?"
"I didn't realize I had options..."
"You don't."
While admittedly this was not the first time my genital guidance system has been failed me, part of the blame falls on that tiny vagina. As I probed for the entrance, I encountered no give! She wasn't exaggerating at all. Reba McEntire's vagina was very small indeed. With some assistance, the target was acquired , and more difficulties were encountered. After a while of taking it slow and not pushing things, I had barely made any headway (lol). Always looking to add some levity to a situation I suggested that my penis was just too damn big. She assured me the problem was in fact her tiny vagina.
After a change of position, penetration was achieved. Reba McEntire gingerly moved herself up and down on above me as I tried my best not to make any sudden movements that would cause her pain. Hurting a woman with your dick really isn't a turn on. Who knew? It felt like Gorilla Monsoon was shaking it hello which isn't to say that the sex did not feel good. It was enjoyable, but it was just different. It was sort of like putting your dick in the water jet in a pool. It feels pretty good, but when you pull it out you feel like it's going to be completely black and blue.
We tried a few more times to have some sex, but things never went smoothly. Also one day I spazzed out about not wanting a relationship. We lost contact shortly after that, but I will always look back fondly on Reba McEntire and the time my dick was just too darn big.
Orangutans are special for a number of other reasons as well! They are the largest tree-dwellers in the world. Over 90% of their day is spent up in the branches. Their incredibly long armspan, up to 8ft in some cases, enables them to comfortably traverse the canopies of the Southeast Asian jungles with little difficulty, and pick fruit which makes up the bulk of their diet. When they do come down to the earth, orangutans do not walk on their knuckles like chimps and gorillas, but instead on their palms or fists. This gives them the awesome sounding title of "fist-walker" which coincidentally is the name of the main character in an action-adventure script I am trying to sell to Hollywood. Look for "Fist Walker and the Dragon's Armoire" to hit theaters some time in the summer of 14.
